Forgotten Warrior PRINCESS
by The Last Xenite
Summary: Xena gets zapped to the future by Ares, more specifically, to 2011, and finds that the only person who recognises her is a teenage school-going kid. AU/Own Character -My first fanfic, so try not to harass me too much about it. ON INDEFINITE HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**Forgotten Warrior...Princess**

A professional hitman once said that the ignorant make easy targets...

Whoever he was, it's clear that he wasn't from my neighbourhood.

Who am I? The person you most likely don't know, or rather, don't want to know. The dweebish kid that sits in the last row

of the classroom and has the uncanny ability to blend in with the back wall. The kid that always gets picked last whether it's cricket, soccer, or rugby (although I can't blame them, I suck at sports)

the type of kid every school has...although they probably don't even know it.

It all started on an ordinary Monday afternoon during the last period, which _fortunately_ happened to be Math. See, although I might _look_ like your average, sixteen-year-old geek (thick glasses included) I hate Math. I yawned and placed my cheek against the cool wood of my desk, staring stonily ahead as the teacher droned on and on about finding the value of X. Lack of sleep had begun to take it's toll. I had been awake from 2 am last night watching Xena: Warrior Princess. Our local T.V. channel had only gotten broadcasting rights for it at the beginning of the year, but wasted it by putting the show in a time slot that no one cared about. Nobody but me. I stumbled upon it while channel-surfing late on a Saturday night (or was it early on a Sunday morning?) and never missed an episode since. After checking out their website, it was then that I realised how huge their fan base was. But that was internationally. Locally, I think I might be the only person who's _heard_ of the Warrior Princess, let alone a fan of hers.

Trying desperately to stay awake, and barely stifling another yawn, it was then that I noticed how quiet the class was. It had had it's silent moments before, but this was as if someone hit the 'mute' button. Looking up, my heavily-lidded eyes flew open, my jaw snapped shut mid-yawn, and every nerve in my body ignited. The entire class (mainly the boys) were all sitting bolt-upright with eyes the size of dinner plates and their mouths hanging open. The teacher merely frowned at this strange behaviour and forced a smile at the unknown person who had approached her."Uh..hello, can I um..help you?" She stared the woman before her up and down as she said this.

It was woman with an athletic build, dressed completely in leather and metal armour. A sword hung from her waist, along with, to the average person, what would appear to be a bladed wheel or frisbee. She had tanned skin with icy blue eyes and flowing black hair. She raised an eyebrow questioningly.

Unlike every other boy around me, I was gaping at her for a different reason. I knew her. I knew everything about her, from her name and hometown, to what the frisbee-thing hanging from her belt was called. But she was different- the weapons she carried looked real and extremely deadly, and her shocking blue eyes appeared completely natural, they didn't 'jump out' like colour-contacts usually did.

She was Xena. The REAL Xena...


	2. Chapter 2

**Forgotten Warrior...Princess- Chapter 2**

After what seemed like an eternity, the silence was shattered by a loud sneeze. Twenty four heads (including the teachers') turned to stare at a pale, blonde student seated near the window. The individual in question cringed beneath the weight of their gaze and suddenly seemed very interested in his shoelaces, his ears turning a shocking shade of scarlet.

The sneeze, succeeding a ghostly silence, sounded like a keg of dynamite going off. This startled the Warrior Princess, whose hand tightened around the jewelled hilt of her sword.

Sometimes I look back on this moment... the moment where I chose to be myself...and by doing so, I decided to do what no ordinary teenager would EVER do...

See, I could be 'Mr. Average' and call the loony-bin to give her a fashionable straitjacket and lock her up in a rubber room, or I could just shrug it off and join the choir of wolf-whistlers that made up more than half of the class.

Instead, I stood up and walked shakily to the teachers desk, ignoring the whispers and murmurs that followed me as I went. Forcing the gears of my previously jaded brain into motion, I searched my mental filing cabinet, trying to find the best excuse to explain this...precarious predicament.

"Um, excuse me Ms?"

"What? she snapped, rather agitated.

"I'd like you to meet my..uh, cousin. She's just moved in from another state and today was her first day."

"Speech and Drama finished early today, huh?" I said, turning to Xena, making an exaggerated hand gesture in the hope that she would take the hint.

"Yeah," she replied, studying the room rather intensely.

"Oh, of course, _that_ explains the outfit!" My teacher said with a laugh. This seemed to flip the switch, as the usual din returned. I on the other hand couldn't have been happier, as the silence had begun to get unnerving."Tall for your age aren't you?" she commented, nodding at Xena.

And then, either through divine intervention or sheer dumb luck, the final bell echoed across the corridor.

Amidst the uproar that usually accompanied the end of the day, I nonchalantly strolled over to my desk and swung my bag over my shoulder. As I turned to leave, a strong but gentle hand gripped my arm. I looked up to see Xena looking at me with a confused expression on her face.

"Why did you help me?"

"It's a long story," I said flatly, exhausted from the amount of stress I had been put under. (or did I put myself under all this pressure?)

"I have more than enough time hear it."

"Alright. Follow me, and try not to attract any unwanted attention."

"When do I ever?" she said, smirking.


	3. Chapter 3

**Forgotten Warrior...Princess- Chapter 3**

Let's just say that I had hoped to get home a bit more... discreetly than I did that day, but no one can blend in with the Warrior Princess in step with them- not even me.

As I brushed my way through the tidal wave of students that had spilled out into the corridor, many of them took notice of Xena. A haughty looking junior girl surveyed us with a bemused look on her face, barely hiding a snigger behind her hand. A stocky guy next to her stared glassy-eyed as we passed, his mouth slightly agape, before receiving a slap upside the head from his girlfriend.

As we neared the exit, the crowd parted as a tall, willowy individual swaggered forward. His dark brown hair was brushed back and his eyes were hidden by dark shades. I let out a silent groan. Everyone knew who this guy was. I've heard some of the girls say that he's good-looking, and I wouldn't know. But I do know this: There's no way the girls think he's as handsome as _he_ thinks he is.

I faltered slightly, hoping to get off the 'centre stage' and disappear into one of the crowds that flanked both sides of the hallway. Although this sudden dispersion of the students slightly puzzled the Warrior Princess, she sought to take advantage of it and increased her pace, striding past me towards the exit, where 'pretty boy' stood, a sly smile crossing his lips.

She ignored him, trying to pass him and step over the treshold, but he cut across her path and stood there, his gormless grin getting even wider.

"You're in my way," she stated coolly.

"I've heard of girls with 'a little fire', but _ice?_ That's new."

"Get a life, loser," she dismissed, placing a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to brush past him. Refusing rejection, the cretin grabbed her wrist.

I flinched.

See, to those of you who don't know Xena, know this: You do NOT want her mad at you. You _really_ don't.

Saying nothing, she instead fixed her icy gaze on his crotch and raised an eyebrow.

Quickly letting go of her arm, he looked down at himself, puzzled at her reaction.

In that brief moment of confusion, she brought her right fist crashing down in a blurry arc, connecting squarely with the base of his neck. There was a sickening crack upon impact, after which he collapsed like a puppet that's just had it's strings cut.

There was a deafening uproar as students jostled their way to the front, all wanting to see what had happened. Me being right on 'centre stage' when chaos had erupted, I bolted straight for the exit, grabbing Xena's hand and yanking her along as I went.

As we thundered across the tarmac, reality hit me.

"What the hell did you do to 'em?" I shouted over to her.

"He'll be unconscious for a couple of minutes, but he'll be fine." she called back.

"Was that _really_ necessary?"

"Yes...yes it was!" she laughed.

Talk about your weird days...

Da Da Da Dum! To be continued...

Thanks for the reviews! I'd love to hear more feedback on this story, so keep it coming!


	4. Chapter 4

**Forgotten Warrior...Princess- Chapter 4**

Remember when I mentioned that I suck at sports? Well, be sure to add athletics to the list...

We were standing just outside of the school's main gate, me keeled over panting and clutching a vicious stitch in my side. And Xena? I could have sworn that she hadn't even broken a sweat.

"What was that about?" she asked, once I had recovered from the edge of falling into a cardiac arrest.

"Listen Xena-" I began, noticing the start she gave at hearing her name, "I know that you're new here and that this all seems strange, but-"

"How do you know my name?" she cut in, her confused expression giving way to one of extreme curiosity.

"Look, I promise I'll explain everything- _later._ For now, you can stay at _my_ house,(my parents were away on a business trip) but we'll have to get there without creating a scene along the way." I reasoned, in a voice that a parent would use to coax a two-year-old kid armed with a shotgun.

Although my outward expression appeared calm, my brain kept turning over the three unsolvable problems I had created. Which were:

a) How we could home without a trail of K.O'd 'pretty boys' in our wake.

b) How I was going to get Xena back to her own time within a week, and if I couldn't-

c) What would I tell my parents when they return?

"Alright," she sighed, snapping me out of my hurricane of thoughts, "Lead the way...and, uh..thanks.

I had meant to say "Don't mention it," but due to my exhaustion- both physically and mentally- all I could manage was a grunt and a stiff nod.

I decided that to make the Warrior Princess look natural, she had to DROP the term Warrior Princess- figuratively _and_ literally. In other words, she couldn't just stroll around armed (and armoured) to the teeth.

We walked briskly for a couple of minutes, keeping our heads down and stopping for nothing. Surprisingly, we came across no one save for an aged woman carrying shopping bags. She took one look at Xena, shook her head, and continued along the sidewalk. "Kids these days..." she muttered resignedly under her breath.

Taking a left off the main road, I stopped in front of a large complex, freshly painted a strange combination of beige and olive. At first glance, I instantly cursed myself over the stupid idea I had come up with. Xena noticed the pained look on my face and surveyed the building before her with a frown.

Going in with her was stupid, not to mention possibly dangerous...

It was the MALL...

**AN: Apologies for the lack of Humour/Action in this chapter, but it ties the previous one to the hilarity that awaits! :-D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Forgotten Warrior...Princess- Chapter 5**

My right knee began to twitch, something that happened many times during speeches at school, usually due to extreme nervousness. I slapped it irritably and trudged toward the entrance.

The doors opened with a metallic hiss…wait, _metallic hiss?_ At the same time, I sensed movement out of the corner of my eye, to the left. I turned curiously, and instantly regretted it.

Xena stood tensed up in a manner I had seen many times before on the T.V. show- her battle stance. The sound I heard was actually her sword being unsheathed, which was clutched firmly in her right hand, the blade pointed forward, perfectly balanced.

Her eyes darted back and forth, and she sniffed the air suspiciously.

"What sorcery is this?" she asked, her tone similar to that of a conspiracy-theorist.

It took me a second to realise what she was talking about.

"Relax, it's just a door."

"What kind of a door does that?"

"The doors of the 21st century."

"Ah, of course," she said with a sheepish smile, and casually returned her weapon to her waist.

That kind of shocked me, I mean; it was like she all but _expected_ to be here, millennia ahead of her time.

"You don't seem surprised," I pressed, hoping to get an answer.

"Like you said not too long ago; it's a long story," she dismissed.

"Alright, we'll talk about that later, right now, we need to get you a change of clothes."

Her eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store.

"Is there a smith nearby too? 'Cause my bracer buckle needs replacing."

That reminded me- there's no way she'd last ten minutes in the mall with weapons dangling from her hip, and possibly even more hidden Lord only knows where else.

I shrugged off my schoolbag and wrenched open the largest compartment, before handing it to Xena.

"You're gonna have to put all your noticeable weapons in here; just your sword and chakram will be fine, you can keep anything else you have on you."

She looked at me like I was a few cards short of a deck.

"There's no way in Tartarus-

She stopped mid-sentence, and her eyes seemed to be staring at something over my shoulder.

I turned to see a parking lot security guard making his way toward us. I knew from the look on his face that he had seen everything since we had first arrived.

"Hey, what do you kids think you're doing?"

Damn…


	6. Chapter 6

**Forgotten Warrior...Princess- Chapter 6**

"Who is _he_ ?"

"Sec- err... a local law enforcer."

"What does he want with us?"

"People tend to act funny around strange women wielding swords."

She raised an eyebrow at me, hands on her hips.

"Excuse me?"

"Um...what I mean is you look kind of out of place dressed like that...more than a _little _suspicious."

The security guard was now less than two meters away. Grasping at the straws, I wrecked my brains trying to come up with at least a half-decent excuse, each time drawing a blank. My facial expression must have appeared pained, because Xena cast me a sideways glance.

"Don't worry, this time, let me do the talking."

Before I could protest, the guard had already approached us. He was a young, scrawny man, barely nineteen or twenty. Probably a rookie that just needed the extra cash.

An old-fashioned, brick-sized walkie-talkie hung from his belt, along with his cell phone and an expensive pair of sunglasses.

He completely ignored me altogether- Xena looked more like delinquent material. As she turned to face him, he got a full view of her sword and chakram.

"What the-?"

His left hand darted toward his belt, making a grab for his walkie-talkie. Just as his fingertips were inches away, Xena barreled forwards and sent him crashing to the concrete with a bone-crunching tackle. Grabbing his walkie-talkie, she sent it swinging to the side of his head, shattering it on impact. (Shattering the walkie-talkie, I mean. But I won't be surprised if he feels like he has a cracked skull when he wakes up!)

Holding up the mangled remains of what was once a clever piece of technology, the Warrior Princess shook her head and tutted sympathetically.

"Who would carry a weapon that can only be used once?"

I almost burst out laughing. She had thought that he was reaching for his 'weapon', which was why he was now spread-eagled in front of Entrance B , unconscious.

This side of the mall was deserted; no cars, and only the occasional mall-rat passed by- but leaving the guard where he was would lead to plenty of spectators being here in an hour or two. I pointed this out to Xena, who, with _very_ little help from me, dragged him out of the entry way and propped him up against a nearby wall in a sitting position.

"Alright, good enough, let's go inside before anything else happens."

Honestly, I was just afraid that he might wake up at any second.

Pausing, she grabbed the sunglasses from his belt- and, both as a precaution and just to amuse herself- she fitted it firmly onto his face. Now he didn't look like he'd just had the living daylights knocked out of him.

Picking up my schoolbag, which she had dropped in the scuffle, she drew her sword and unhooked her chakram. Jamming both weapons into the bag, she zipped it up and threw it back to me.

After swinging it over my shoulder and taking one last look around, I stepped into the air- conditioned heaven that felt even more satisfying after the day I'd had.

It took me a moment to realise that I was walking alone.

I looked behind me to see Xena rooted to the spot, her head whipping back and forth, trying to take in everything at once. There was a sly glint in her eye and a slow smile played across her lips.

"Now _this, _this is the future!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Forgotten Warrior...Princess- Chapter 7**

"Aha! Just what I was looking for!" she exclaimed, holding up an item.

We were in _Hot Topic_; a store I frequented due to being a rabid rock fan. However, it's the last place I expected to be (quite literally) _dragged_ by a certain, misty-eyed Warrior Princess.

Fortunately though, closing time was near; we being the last customers for the day.

I looked up to see her examining a pair of flat-soled black boots, with what appeared to be an entire outfit draped over her left arm. She had composed an _entire outfit_ in no more than fifteen minutes! '_Speed shopping' _was an understatement!

I fumbled for my wallet and pulled out a small wad of notes; I had roughly eighty dollars in total. (My parents always left me emergency money before they left)

We approached the counter and I handed the money to the blonde, surfer-dude looking cashier. He glanced at Xena, and then quickly focused on calculating the change, sniggering like a machine gun.

"Something funny?" she asked brusquely.

He coughed slightly and shook his head, sliding the change across the counter. She inspected it closely, her brow furrowed.

"These don't look like dinars."

"That's because you're not in Greece anymore, Xena. They're dollars."

She looked at me thoughtfully. (Strangely, she wasn't too suspicious as to how I knew her nationality. You don't see _me _complaining though.)

"Dollars" she repeated, trying out the word. She must have liked the sound of it, as she nodded approvingly before tossing me my change, which I stowed in my back pocket.

'Surfer-dude' snorted.

"Clearly not from _this _planet…" he muttered under his breath.

Xena shot him a frosty glare, and he recoiled noticeably.

"I said, '_Would you like a packet?_'" he amended.

Smart move.

"Err, yes…but…um…not for the clothes." I cut in, just as he was about to reach for one.

He stared at me like I had just sprouted a fifth limb- _from my forehead._

"Uh…sure, whatever." he dismissed, though he still had an odd look on his face.

I grabbed one with a rather awkward 'Thank you,' and- along with it- swept the assortment of apparel into Xena's arms.

"You should probably put these on now," I told her, pointing out the changing rooms.

"I think that sounds like a good idea," interjected 'Blondie' snidely.

She ignored him altogether.

"I owe you one," she replied, giving me a sideward smirk, before heading toward the changing rooms.

This left me to wander around aimlessly until she'd changed. I shuffled over to one of the display shelves and grabbed the first pair of sneakers that caught my eye; a white one, with two black stripes on either side.

I kicked off my worn-out school lace-ups in favor of slipping on the (somewhat more comfortable) Low-Tops.

Collapsing into a nearby seat, I gazed at my reflection in a mirror on the opposite wall.

_An average teen guy stared back, dark brown eyes obscured by a pair of thick, gunmetal spectacles. A comma of jet-black hair swept across his forehead, which he brushed casually aside, smiling wryly- for he knew all too well that it wouldn't stay there for very long._

"Hey-"

I looked up…and my jaw dropped. The person who stood before me was…well, Xena…

Only, Xena dressed in a body-hugging, leather tank top with 'Godsmack' emblazoned on the front. (I couldn't help but grin at the unintentional irony of that one.)

This was followed by a pair of clingy, stonewashed jeans, the cuffs of which were sitting comfortably on the instep of a new pair of black boots.

Overall, she did more than just _blend in,_ if you catch my meaning…

She looked like a deer caught in the headlights, her mouth opening and closing several times- however, she couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence.

I raised an eyebrow at her questioningly.

Color flooded her cheeks as she finally found her voice:

"Your name…I haven't even asked you your name! I've been so…" she grimaced.

This really stumped me. We had gotten so caught up into things…If anything, I should be the one feeling guilty.

I smiled, trying my best to reassure her.

"Call me Jason."

**AN: Yes, the O.C. is a **_**guy**_**, sorry for any confusion in previous chapters- R & R, please!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Hot Topic **_**or **_**Godsmack. **_**Come to think of it, I don't own **_**Xena: Warrior Princess either: - They are all property of their respective owners.**_


	8. Chapter 8

**Forgotten Warrior...Princess- Chapter 8**

I thought taking the bus home would freak her out big time, but- _fortunately_, I thought wrong.

I had forgotten that this woman had seen it all during her time: she had laughed in the face of warlords and crossed blades with gods…she'd been to Hell and back- _literally_.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when she turned to me, waving a hand in front of her nose.

"Quite slow…and how do you put up with the smell?"

It was understandable though…

The coach rumbled along sluggishly. Outside, heat was radiating in steamy pillars off the asphalt, and inside, the air was thick with the smell of stale sweat- opening a window didn't help much, either.

We were sitting near the front.

Xena had taken the window seat, staring thoughtfully at the buildings that eased past.

"You'll get used to it."

"Here's hoping I won't have to…" she muttered darkly.

I was about to ask her what she meant, but at that exact moment, the bus ground to a halt and the pneumatic doors hissed.

We were just two blocks away from my neighbourhood; the closest stop. I stood up and ran a hand through my damp hair.

"This is where we get off."

"Oh, thank the gods!" she sighed, cracking her stiff neck as she followed me to the exit.

I stepped onto the curb and tugged irritably at my school shirt, which clung to me uncomfortably. I heard a series of soft snaps, crackles and pops and turned to see Xena rolling her shoulders- realigning her joints, and taking a deep breath. She exhaled slowly and rubbed her eyes, which seemed to glow in the afternoon sunlight.

"Give me Argo any day…" she muttered under her breath.

That short stroll from the bus-stop to my house in the suburbs was the longest ten minutes of my life.

The sun beat down viciously on the back of my head, and pretty soon my mouth was like a scorpions nest: dry and nasty.

It was as if Apollo (if he actually existed) was trying to have the last laugh before turning in for the day.

The thought of an old dude steering a pure gold, flying chariot while cackling maniacally almost made me laugh.

My neighbourhood was no different from any other; identical face-brick houses flanking both sides of the road, separated by white picket fences.

I stopped in front of number four; my house. It might as well have been number five or six- all of them had the same basic characteristics; double-storey, sandy-coloured buildings, each with a paved pathway leading up to their respective porches.

"Not too shabby!" remarked Xena, a hint of approval in her voice.

"Yeah, well, I'm glad you didn't expect the Pantheon!" I called over my shoulder as I approached the front door.

I reached into my left pocket for the keys, but came up with a handful of lint.

"Not good…"

I checked my right one, hoping that my fingers would close around the familiar brass bundle.

I felt as if a sliver of ice had just slid into my chest, my breathing constricted, and I felt a cold sweat trickle down my back.

Where had I put them? Surely I couldn't have-

I jogged over to the front window and peered into the dining room, confirming my fears.

The good news: I found my keys.

The bad news: I had locked them in the house.

"_Just great…"_

**AN: Special thanks to **_**Ravenwolf10, **_**whose review (the first in ages, I might add) is what brought me back to post this chapter. C'mon guys! The faster the reviews come in, the faster I update! :D**


	9. Chapter 9

**Forgotten Warrior…Princess- Chapter 9**

"Stupid, stupid, stupid…" I repeatedly berated myself, punctuating each word with a light slap to my forehead.

"Something wrong?" Xena asked, a little concerned.

No doubt she had begun to question my sanity.

Considering that the question had come from who I had believed- up until recently- to be a _fictional _Greek warrior from a mid-nineties cult show, maybe I _was _going insane…

"Well, I found my keys, alright…"

"And?"

I smiled sheepishly and jerked my head toward the front window.

"See for yourself."

Her gaze rested on the brass bundle, still dangling from its hook where I had carelessly forgotten it that morning, her slightly puzzled expression giving way to a wry smile.

"Minor setback" she reassured calmly, "We'll just have to find another way in and unlock it from the inside."

"Minor setback?" I repeated, "The door's the only way in; the upstairs window doesn't lock, but there's no way-"

She held up a hand for silence, stepping back and craning her neck to get a good look at said window. She was about to dismiss any possibility of reaching it, when her pale blue eyes fell upon the ancient looking oak that stood sentinel on the far right edge of the lawn.

I could almost see the gears turning in her head as she measured it up

It had been there for as long I could remember…too gnarled to support a treehouse, yet too stubborn to be cut down.

However, the old oak was nowhere near tall enough to reach the upstairs window, to say nothing of the fact that it was three metres away from the house at least.

Stretching her legs like a professional soccer player before a big game, (despite being clad in a restrictive pair of jeans) she glanced at the tree once more before nodding slightly to herself.

"Woah, hang on, what are you-" I began, but she was already off at a blistering pace; pristine boots pounding across the lawn, leaving little dust devils in her wake.

Maintaining her momentum, she leapt for the lowest branch four feet above her, clearing the height effortlessly. Latching on and letting the inertia take over, she swung a full 180 degrees before finding her feet, now perched atop said branch like something out of a _Spiderman_ movie.

She navigated her way from limb to limb in a blur of raven hair, working her way up with a fluidity that would make even the most experienced traceur gawk.

As she made her way to the end of one limb in particular, arms out for balance, I couldn't help but notice that it ended directly parallel to the porch.

Suddenly, the bottom of my stomach dropped out. I'd finally figured out what her plan was…

As she rapidly neared the end of the branch, the pressing late afternoon silence was shattered by an ear-splitting "AIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI-!"

A flock of startled pigeons took flight as I hastily covered my ears, which did little to muffle the shrill, signature war-cry of the warrior princess, who was now airborne, silhouetted against the slowly setting sun in a picturesque swan dive. Gravity seemed to favor her as she tucked and rolled into an expertly executed somersault…once…twice…

"Sheeee-YAH!"

She belted out the last, high-pitched syllable just as her feet met the asbestos awning of the porch, crouching to absorb the shock as she landed.

It was then that I realized that I was grinning like an idiot.

Righting herself and brushing away some stray locks that had fallen across her face, she clapped a hand over her mouth, embarrassed.

"Sorry about that…I, um….y'know, old habit…"

I tried my best to look amused.

"Just warn me next time, I almost wet myself over here!"

She couldn't help but crack a smile at that. Little did she know, maybe I wasn't just trying to be funny…

"What in blue blazes-?"

I spun around to see my next-door neighbor, Mr. Dawkins, staring back at me through his bedroom window in disbelief. His beady eyes darted from me, to Xena, then back again. His snowy white hair stuck out at odd angles, making it obvious that had just awoken from his afternoon siesta. He took off his horn-rimmed glasses and cleaned them on his plaid shirt, as if to ascertain whether what he was seeing was real or some aspirin-induced hallucination.

Judging by the expression on his wrinkled, pock-marked face, he had been standing there for quite some time.

"Something wrong, Mr. Dawkins?" I asked innocently, pretending that there wasn't an ex-warlord dressed in Hot Topics' finest on my roof trying to pry open my upstairs window with (from what I could tell from the corner of my eye) a tempered steel dagger.

He stared at me blankly, opening and closing his mouth a few times, teetering on the edge of speech.

Just when I thought he was about to say something, he instead leaned forward to shut his window, drawing the shutters and muttering something about bad mushrooms on his pizza.

I turned to face my doorstep at what sounded like a stifled hiccough.

The front door was ajar, before which stood Xena, doubled over with laughter.

"Poor guy looked like he'd made eye-contact with a gorgon!" she chuckled.

Oh, the wicked wit of a warrior…

Er, warrior princess…

**AN: Yes, it****'****s really is me, updating 14 months after the last chapter :D**

**Chop it up to a combination of procrastination and lack of internet access. The latter has been fixed, so I now plan on updating every 2 weeks at least. Special thanks to "let it live and die" whose lengthy review finally dragged my lazy ass to the keyboard, as well as all of you die-hard Xenites who never gave up on this story even after a whole year. R&R and Battle On! **


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